Adjustments
When your regular life isn't your regular life anymore
A week ago, I left one of my all-time favorite humans in a dorm at a large and popular university two hours away from home.
It’s been weird not having her here at the house, but she’s video-called us a lot and we’ve been texting and talking every day. That’s eased the feeling of missing a bit, and I’m grateful for it. She and I spent a lot of time together during her first 18 years and got along really well, so I miss my “partner in crime,” but overall, I’ve been sort of okay.
What seemed weird to me, though, was this bizarre feeling of fear and loss in the pit of my stomach that seemed to be different from a normal “missing” feeling. It sat there like a thick, dark ball that bubbled out through my tear ducts at unexpected moments. It took me a few days to realize that, most likely, that feeling came from my daughter’s accident years ago, when she had a near-death experience. That accident shifted my worldview and actually had a positive impact on my understanding of and appreciation for life as a whole, but it was hard to recover from at the time. I spent about 18 months with what felt like a ball of fear in my stomach. And even though going off to college is nothing like drowning, I think some part of my brain confused the two for a while. Thankfully, her joy and excitement in the experience of college life have made me feel better.
I’ve also had to adjust to the change in the daily rhythm of life in general. I’m still processing the stark difference between two weeks ago and today. My daughter has always done a competitive sport multiple days a week, and my husband and I (him when his days off allowed it, and me all the others) have always driven her to practice, even though, in the past couple of years, she could drive herself. We were always happy to do it since the gym and the pool were both 30 minutes away (at least) and in high-traffic locations. We liked for her to have the chance to decompress from school, or do homework, or eat something before (and after) practice while on the car ride. And we both enjoy her company.
I wound up volunteering at synchronized swimming and so practice days not only required me to feed the dogs early, pack food for both of us, and load up my computer so I could finish my day’s work on site, I also had to prep to swim and shower after since I got in to swim while helping. Even though I enjoyed it, there was always a lot of rushing involved.
And now there isn’t.
For a while, I’m going to be playing catch-up for all the things I did only halfway for so long. In fact, I’ve rushed from thing to thing for so long, I’m not sure I know how to not be rushing. I think I’m going to have to learn how to be more intentional and committed to one thing at a time, and less torn between many things. I need to learn how to saunter instead of rush (metaphorically speaking - my natural walking pace seems to be hella slow in comparison to my family. I learned this during move-in).
It’s not like I fell into some wormhole and I suddenly have free time and nothing to do. Far from it. It just feels like I’m less pressured to be on a tight schedule and to make things be “right” for someone else. It’s interesting how unfamiliar that feeling is. I feel oddly guilty when I work for an extended period of time without checking on someone or doing something for them. I can see that it’s not “normal” to feel like this, but I also bet that it IS normal to many people, particularly parents of minor children.
I do feel that it’s probably not a good norm. It’s probably linked to anxiety, depression, and attention disorders. When we don’t know how to just be in the quiet moments, that can’t be good.
More and more, I think there’s value in brain rest and screen-free, slow-moving time. How we fit those things into our lives regularly is another, more complicated issue.
When my children were very young, society was just on the verge of portable electronics and phones that did more than call or text. When we waited at doctors’ offices, we played I Spy in the waiting room and, once called back, a continued wait led to games of Simon Says, colder/warmer, “can you hop across the room on one foot?” and more. We brought books, sketchpads, coloring books, and small toys when we went places that required a wait. Both of my kids had an early game-playing device, but it was educational, slow-moving, and pixelated. So while it was fun, it wasn’t addictive, and it wasn’t more fun than playing a game with other human beings in person, and I feel really fortunate for that.
I’m grateful that the options were limited when my children were small, and not only because they avoided screens for large chunks of time. I avoided them, too. My computer was on my desk at home. I couldn’t work in the waiting room or the parking lot. I had downtime for that part of my brain while a different part woke up and played games and made crafts and got aggravated with spills and innocent mistakes instead of lazy coworkers and stupid emails. There’s a difference.
If I am so lucky as to become a grandma someday, I hope to play Red Light, Green Light, build obstacle courses in the backyard, and make unidentifiable things with paper and glue. I’m making a concerted effort now to build in some brain breaks and rest into my day so that I’ll make it to that eventual grandmotherhood (hopefully) in good shape.
But even if there is no grandmothering on the horizon, I want to be in good shape for myself. I don’t need the excuse of someone else to take care of. I want to enjoy more of this one life, and, oddly, in some ways, this means doing less.
I need to turn off this computer and go relax in the bath with a good book… which will probably also be read on a screen, but look, you can’t have everything, right?
In Other News
This is my one-year anniversary on Substack! I have written every week since my August 20th, 2024, post introducing this newsletter. It’s kind of amazing that I’ve been that consistent when a lot of things around me have not been. I might have thought I’d be famous by now, or at least have more than 109 subscribers, but…. It’s been a very valuable experience nonetheless. I’m hoping I’ll be able to post next week as well, but I have some pretty big stuff going on between now and then. We’ll see.
I finished hosting the backyard agility training online competition that I offered for the first time this summer. It went really well and I got lots of positive feedback. I made these little virtual posters to celebrate their accomplishments. This week, I want to finish up a little collage of pictures of their dogs and post those to social media as well.
I didn’t expect to have so many ties! They did great with every challenge I threw their way!
This event went so well, and the competitors were so fun and awesome, that I’m going to pivot on my “new project” plans to branch off in a different direction. Hopefully, I’ll have more to tell you about that in a week or two.
Actually, I probably won’t be TELLING you anything anytime soon because I’m having vocal cord surgery on Friday. I’m pretty sure the entire experience is going to be terrible. I’m just hopeful that, when I’m allowed to talk 7-10 days post-surgery, my voice will work and will be easy to use again. There will be a recovery period with more vocal therapy, but maybe someday I won’t have to think about my voice anymore. I’ll just, you know, talk. It’s the little things.
Shop with Me
My dogs love, love, love these Chuck It squeaky balls. We have the orange, non-squeaky Chuck It balls too, but these blue, squeaky ones are by far the favorite. I just got two more because we had a ball emergency around here (where do they go?!). I’m kind of aggravated because they seem to be on sale for $10, and I paid more than that. Boo. Go get ‘em right now if they are your kind of thing!
I sent my daughter to college with this adorable stuffed cat/pillow for her dorm room. She wanted to have a good reminder of her cat while at school. It comes in the smallest box, and it’s vacuum-packed, which makes for an interesting opening experience. It’s soft and cute. She got the 27-inch size.
I like this foundation. I’m no beauty influencer, and I *GASP* apply it with my fingers and not some brush that I have to wash later. Despite my neanderthal ways, it still looks good enough that I can pretend I don’t have gross pores and blotchy freckles.
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Most parents miss their kids when they leave the nest, but I know you are missing her more than most, because you two were so close.
I've been thinking about you.
Thank goodness she's only 2 hours away, at the best school in Florida!😀