Mental Health is a Tangled Web
Maybe just be nice to people
TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of suicide
I just watched a devastating video of a husband announcing his wife’s death due to suicide. It affected me so much that I had to sit down to write about it and delay my planned topic, which means this might not be a very organized story. We’ll see where it goes.
The late wife was on the autism spectrum and suffering from many of the things that others I know do, like sensory disintegration disorder, depression, and impulsivity. It’s a dangerous cocktail of traits, because it’s the impulsivity part that can make feelings that most likely won’t last forever into a solution that does.
When my son was a preteen, he volunteered for a study through his psychologist’s office. He did several of them, both because he wanted to help other young people with Tourette Syndrome and related disorders and because he usually got a Target gift card out of the deal. Every time, the researcher would ask a series of questions to determine my son’s suitability for the study. One of the questions was always, “Have you ever had thoughts about suicide,” or something similar to that.
As a parent, hearing “yes” from my child was devastating.
Because we were fortunate to be in a neuropsychiatry office at the time, further evaluations immediately took place, and he was determined to be of little danger to himself at that tender age. I learned a lot about mental health as he grew and developed. We worked hard to keep him safe from the dangerous messages a young brain sometimes sends, and we were fortunate that it all worked out. Sometimes it doesn’t, no matter how much effort and love you put into it.*
Many people with ADHD, both young people and adults, are impulsive. And, to some degree, we all experience impulsivity at times. It’s why the impulse buy section exists at every checkout counter.
But having impulsive moments and having impulsivity as a core personality trait are not the same. A young person, or an “any age” person, really, who has low impulse control may be missing the voice in their head that says, “Is this a good idea?” before they act. When you combine this with depression and suicidal thoughts, it can be deadly.
One of my weird, rabbit-hole interests is in face transplants. I think the concept is cool and amazing. A story that stuck with me was one of a 17-year-old girl who, in a moment, decided to end her life after her breakup with a boyfriend. Because a hunting rifle was accessible at the time this impulse occurred, she shot herself.
She miraculously survived. Her struggle has been a long one, but she’s fought since then to have a good life. The decision made from impulse was the wrong one for her, as they often are.
I don’t want to dig too deep into the topic of suicide. Many of us have been affected by this tremendous loss, or are close to someone who has, so it’s a painful path. It’s also a convoluted one, and it’s impossible (and disrespectful) to paint such a complicated topic with a broad brush.
But in the video I watched, the husband described his wife’s sensitivity to online bullying and rude comments and how this factored into her death. Apparently, people were frequently cruel to her in the comments section of her animal rescue group. I don’t know why. I don’t know what makes people say mean things to internet strangers a single time, let alone repeatedly. In the vast majority of cases, you can just scroll past someone whose content you don’t like, or you can report them for particularly egregious behaviors. Why people continually come back to social media content that upsets them enough to type nasty things to strangers, I don’t know. I think I understand impulsivity more than I understand what inspires people to be cruel.
I don’t know what the online commenters said to this animal rescuer that cut her so deeply. I don’t know if the impulsive moment that led to her death would have occurred without this outside influence. People are complicated, and mental health is a tangled web.
I don’t even know if there’s a resolution to this story I’m telling, or a takeaway. I’m processing my thoughts and sharing them with you. Maybe the takeaway is the same that it often is in the stories I write:
Be kind.
You don’t have to get deeply involved and feel all the feelings of everyone you meet or see. I talked about the dangers of that last week. But there has to be a middle ground between feeling everything for others and feeling nothing for them at all. If there isn’t, then choose feeling everything. It’s the right way to be.
News
I have a lot of things coming up. I’m starting a new project on a very short timeline. I will be creating/coordinating/judging some online dog agility backyard games. I think it will be a fun activity for the summer, and I’m hoping it motivates people to train their dogs and to have some fun and camaraderie while doing it. Running my own class (as opposed to running it as part of a training school) should be fun, but also a bit crazy. I’m doing it to test out the software for my regular employer, so it’s a regular work task at the same time as being something completely new. I’m fancy like that!
I’m also gearing up to write a second book of dog training exercises - Volume 2! I’m happy that my first book, Ready to Run Vol. 1: Agility Drills & Skills for Small Spaces, has sold well enough to talk about a second one. Because of the way the payments work (quarterly), I’m still cash-poor, so I’m looking forward to seeing some money from it soon. (I get paid more if you buy the e-book version, just throwing that out there!)
I’ve also got some Amazon Kindle print-on-demand books in the planning stages. I’ll be stepping out of the dog niche for some of these, too. I’m super excited about this stuff, but I need to be cloned in order to have enough time to get stuff done! Next week I’m off to the Artistic Swimming Junior Olympics with my daughter, and after that we’ll be taking a trip to the University of Florida to plan for her upcoming education there. Busy!
Meanwhile, I’m still recovering from this year’s whole health situation, but I’m slowly gaining energy and hope, so that’s nice. The bad news is that I may be looking at vocal cord surgery. I have an appointment soon to get the details on that. Wish me luck!
Shop and Support!
Recent Amazon purchases include:
This very large box of dog biscuits
These cans of dog food, purchased to tempt an older dog to eat (working)
This Bluetooth mouse, which is cheap and honestly performs kind of cheaply too; wireless mice and I don’t seem to get along.
This moisturizer, which is very serious about moisturizing and does not mess around with fragrances and such.
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See you next week!
*My son, who is now a legal adult, gave me permission to include this paragraph.
as always, much appreciation to you. hard topics, necessary topics.
don't ask me to explain how my brain made the jump from reading this to where this goes... my brain goes where it goes.
I'm putting a link in here that might (or might not) interest you... as if you don't have plenty to read...ha...it's short.
it's today's offering from Thom Hartman's Hunter in a Farmer's World substack. today's topic is The ADHD Dopamine Myth: What Motivation Science Gets Wrong.
when I first started reading this substack, it seemed focused on recognizing ways ADHD manifests in adults. lately. it's been more towards looking at ADHD, not as a disease, but as a different wiring with a unique set of gifts...
maybe my attempt to link this will work, and maybe it won't... if it doesn't, and you want to explore, lmk and I'll figure out another way to get it to you.
https://www.hunterinafarmersworld.com/p/the-adhd-dopamine-myth-what-motivation?r=ew7sj&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Be kind. It is so simple ❤️